| I think this may be my last entry. So read it. I started this xanga because I needed something to release my frustrations. Unfortunatly, it has not worked. I'm not miserable, or anything. It's just xanga has not improved my emotional or mental state. It is a blockade to the journey of self-improvement and experience that I want. So, this is my last entry. And I'm going to write the things that I've been desiring to write ever sence I started this. It may be a little long, so if you get tired of reading, stop and come back later.
FIRST: Janna's death, that morning and in the hospital, constently play over and over again in my head and dreams. Prodomainently her screams. They were the worse sounds I have ever heard. The horror of it is... words cannot describe it. I want people to realize that I have experienced one of the worst forms of loss. Not only have my father and sister died, but uncles, grandparents, and friends. I have the painful memories of blissful family gatherings, fun times with friends. Now, it is still unbarable to think that I'll never be able to hug my dad again. My daddy. Or, hear Janna's laugh and they she would point out all my stupid stuff. These are gone. And I hate it.
SECOND: My life so far has not been a happy one. I've been in a depression for the past who-knows-how-many years. My main problem is not being wanted. Everytime I have explained this to someone, they've always told me to take the enishiative (bad spelling). Call someone. Envite people over. No one understands that I want to be wanted by other people. There are a lot of people who I love, I have a great time being around them and would gladly give my life for their's, but who would do that for me. Who calls me up to evite me to a party, who calls me period. There is no one in this house. Every night, I sit alone, I eat alone, I watch tv alone. I just want to talk. I want to be able to vent without people thinking I'm just looking for attention. I want to be around people. To be in conversations. To have numbers in my cell phone other than family members. I want to come home and have a message on the machine from someone other than my mom. I want to be desired by people. I hear people complain about their lives and all I can think of is at least you have a life. You have a family, you have a group of friends that you hang out with and talk to almost everyday. When I go to the gym there is no one encouraging me on. No one saying "you can do it Jacob."
THIRD: As I said in a previous entry. I want a group of friends. When I am with someone, other persons' names are mention. I have no idea who these people are, but the person I'm with at the time knows the individual like a family member. Or when I am with two, three, or even four people a group is present, but I am not in it.
FOURTH: Some people are not going to agree with this. I want to get high and drunk. These are not bad things, as long as they are responsable. Don't drink to were you get alcohol poisoning. Don't over dose on coke. I don't want to do coke, just an example.
FIFTH: At the climax of sex, one experiences God. At the point of climax while with a partner, there is a split second (maybe shorter) when all existence ceases to be and all that remains is you and God.
SIXTH: God is... within everything, outside everything, beyond everything, behind everything, above everything, below everything. He is eternal, he is infinate. All religions are right, all religions are wrong. My definition of God is faith, unable to be expressed through words. He is not the christian god. He is THE GOD. From which all faiths, all religions come from. God is existence and more. He is what is. After death we become him, he becomes us. God is us, yet not us. We are bound to everything, eachother, plants, animals, the earth, the sky. God is everything, but at the same time nothing. Talk to me for further explaination.
SEVENTH: Violence is wrong, and should never be used. Example. Yesterday I was with Parker. He ripped apart an aluminum can and tried cutting me with it. In response I punched him in the face. It didn't hurt him. But, eversence, I have felt guilt for hitting not only a friend but a fellow human. We should never raise a hand or anyother body part against another person.
EIGHTH: FREE TIBET.
NINTH: Peace comes through self-awarness, mercy, love, and tolerance for all.
FINALLY: Good night. I love you. |
